An Open Letter To GASC

Hello GASC

I am Nogger, Prince Noggger of Nairobi, son of the King of Nigera. Him very good man, but King he die last week in plane crash. Before he die he tell me, Nogger my son, I want you to take some wheat to Egypt for me.

So that is why I am being writing this letter to you my most loyal and trusted friends. King, he always say, Egypt man good man. Some Nigerian man bad men, they want to steal King's wheat, they come for me with guns. But I keep your wheat safe for you Mr GASC, like King ask me to do.

Please be sure that I ask you for no money, all I wish to do is carry out my father's dying wish to send his wheat to you. I have 60,000 MT of it, we grow it in Gobi Desert in north of my country. It is special place where nobody but King and me know for you isn't it. We grow lots of wheat there, it is good wheat like you good man.

I want to now send wheat to you so you make lots of bread, but I need to get boat, big boat. Remember I am giving you wheat for free, my very close friend and ally who I never meet. All I ask from you my men is small favour. Very small favour then I send you 60,000 MT free wheat is yours to keep. No money does not be sent, so you no worry need. We must keep secret from bad men who look for me with guns in internet cafe where I now must live.

Shhhh, my friends do not thank me, I do this dangerous thing for you. I risk my life for you, but I do not want money, no no, so stop saying I give you money, I not need money. Wheat is free for you my closest mucker and matey boys.

I want to send you wheat, but I cannot send without boat. Big boat, huge bloody great thing, big enough for fitting 60,000 MT of free wheat inside.

Is lucky for me, my uncle have boat, him good man too like you. He say he will lend me boat for free. No payee, payee. Buckshee, gratis, on the house me old China. So you see no money need change hands you get free wheat on free boat, is good deal for you yes? And you not get Russian or Kazakh wheat full of dog pooh pooh. This good clean Nigerian wheat on GAFTA terms.

OK, look you play hard ball, you nice man, if free too expensive I pay you. Is good deal yes? I pay you USD10,000,000 to take the stinking wheat, you happy now Mr Bigshot. Yes I pay, you no pay, I pay.

Please now, no thank me, no no. Just send me your bankcard details and I pay. Don't forget to include the three digits on the back.

I know that you will not let the King down.

Prince Nogger