Simple Maths: Nogger's Theory Of Relativity

18/01/11 -- Is the market going to go up or down? That's what everybody wants to know isn't it? So I've come up with a simple formula that will give you the answer.

In this simple calculation we have only a couple of variables.

A: Fund money
B: The European debt crisis
C: A price decrease
D: Drought in Argentina
E: A price rise

A-B+D=E, obviously. However B-A-D=C

And even


Also you need to know that B²=-A and therefore B³=-A²=C³

There you go. You can thank my old maths teacher Mr Dale for that. Tomorrow we have what my English teacher Maggie Mawdsley used to do with the blackboard rubber. She's probably dead now, so they can't touch her for it.

Of course I'm indebted to Chris Tye at Dalmark for helpfully pointing out that if everyone in China starts eating cornflakes for breakfast then my little theory goes straight out of the window big time. I'm sure that Kellogg's are missing a trick here, they should up their Chinese advertising budget to milk this relatively untapped market. Maybe throw in a useful little free gift inside the packet. Chopsticks perhaps, a packet of sweet and sour sauce or a pair of Levi 501's.

Of course that conveniently overlooks the question of what does everyone in China currently eat for breakfast? There's going to be a glut of that coming whatever it is. Christ, they won't be able to give it away will they? Not when the big cornflake switchover takes place.

Also if the entire population of India suddenly develop a taste for lobster thermidor then there's turbulance afoot in the thermidor market that's for sure. Thermidor would be limit up for a week or more if that happened I reckon.

In addition we need to consider what I would tell MrsN#3 if Girls Aloud suddenly developed a taste for 50 year old past their sell-by date grain trade bloggers in their desperate search for thrills. Could be the trickiest call of the lot that one.

Hang on there's a knock at the's them....oh er, I've dropped me mouse....