Nogger's Blog

12/03/13 -- Today's problem comes Master B Weasel of East Anglia, he writes:

Q: Dear Uncle Nogger, I wonder if you could advise me with an argument I’ve had with my friends at school. My American friend Mike Hunt says he will sell me his crisps for lunch. I’ve heard that he’s nearly sold them all to my Chinese classmate – Won Hun Low and that he might not have any left by the time I come to get them. The Brazilian exchange student, Rio Birdyhand, says that he will sell me his crisps much cheaper than Mike, but he can’t open his lunchbox to get them out. But he says I can get some new packets of crisps from him in June, if I can wait? On top of this, Mike keeps telling me that my pocket money is becoming worth less every day and that if I leave it any longer I’ll only be able to afford half a packet. I’m terribly confused! What is a young boy with a penchant for bow ties and red trousers to do? Yours Sincerely, Master B Weasel.

A: Well young fellow, those Chinese boys certainly do love their crisps don't they? The problem with Brazilian crisps is, well, they come from Brazil to put it bluntly, and that's an awfully long way away when you're a growing boy isn't it? Your pal Mike probably thinks he's sitting pretty I'd say. You could try reminding Mike of the relatively insignificant role that his Grandad played in the war. Whist your Grandad was busy bombing Berlin despite nursing a chest full of shrapnel and a couple of broom handles for legs, his was probably strolling nonchalantly around Burtonwood dishing out silk stockings and chocolates in exchange for a go on your Grandma's zeppelins. If that fails try simply taking the crisps off him and running away. As he's American, I'm guessing that he's probably "of larger than average build" shall we say. As you're British, then I'm guessing that you are a weedy little scroat, so outrunning Mike shouldn't be of too much difficulty. If that also fails then try telling Mike that taking into account the inverse basis at the stem and that the technical momentum indicators are in strong alignment, when also considering the stochastics and 20, 30 and 40 day moving averages, and studying the Fibonacci fractals that there's a high level of probability that the crisps are in fact almost certainly yours anyway and him holding what's yours is starting to get your dander up. That'll soon scare him off.