A Very Special Fertiliser Market Report

How many of these have you seen recently....

Mr X, Fertiliser Marketing Manager of Company Z PLC, says that there is just a very tiny window of opportunity left for UK farmers to get their fertiliser orders in whilst a few bits are left.

"The market is very tight indeed, we're running out actually, we can possibly take one or two more orders then we are closing the books," said Mr X.

"We're literally down to the last couple of bags, Russia, plant closures, no gas, economic worries, currency, blah, blah."

"World prices are still very high, we've dropped our price because we care about our customers at this difficult time."

"There is nothing left for sale anywhere on the international market, its all gone. Luckily though we've got seventeen vessels of the stuff on the way to the UK as we speak. But that's all sold, honest. Twist my arm, we could probably squeeze a few more orders in before prices go up next month. If you don't order it today, you won't get it."

"And whilst we're at it that drive needs doing, have you ever thought about a conservatory? That pointing looks awful, the whole lots going to fall down at any minute. I've got a lorry load of tarmac you can have for half price. Look at the state of that guttering. You can have all your gas & electric for half of whatever your paying now. It's a special offer that ends today. Oh look, I've only got one left. We're virtually giving it away. It pays for itself after three months. Only one careful previous owner. Don't worry about that, it'll soon wash off. Come on I'm trying to do you a favour here Guv, and I'll even throw in a pigs dick for the dog," he added.