Milk Link My Arse

After a year of pratting about over whether to have some cutting-edge Nogger content on their website, UK milk-buyer Milk Link finally bit the bullet last week and emailed me to say that they've got the go ahead.

"However this would need to be on the basis of a 6 month free trial with the option to continue past that period at the price that you’ve already indicated. Could you please confirm that you would be in agreement with this and reply to my colleague Steve X also," they said.

Well, I thought, they only reported £10 million in pre-tax profits in June, things must have taken a pretty dramatic downturn since then.

I strangely felt compelled to decline their generous offer of six months work for such a handsome sum. I also felt moved to pen this missive to their customer services dept., although I don't hold out much hope of a reply:

Hi there,

I'm in the market for some milk and wondered whether you might be interested in supplying me?

All the papers keep telling us that we're in a buyer's market, whether it's houses, cars, whatever. So, hell, why not milk as well I thought?

Here's the deal, I'm looking for you to supply me with free milk for the next six months. If I like your milk, then I'd be happy to consider paying for it after that. Sounds like a fair deal to me, what do you say?

Could you please confirm that you would be in agreement with this, so I can crack on and cancel my existing order. Arthur, my local milkman, simply isn't in touch with the ever-changing super-competitive market in which we now find ourselves. He also makes a bit of a noise some mornings, which I find most irritating. It's a dog eat dog world we live in, as Arthur is shortly about to find out, and if I hear one more time about his wife's impending hip operation then I think I'll scream.

We're not mucking about here, we're talking two or three pints of the stuff every day, and more at Christmas, so it's quite a big order. I've got Arla and Dairy Crest chasing me for my business, but I thought I'd give you first shout.

Please revert soonest.

Best regards