Boring Headline Of The Day

From Dow Jones: "India Wheat Futures Up 0.4% On Buying" - do they pay good money for stuff like this?

I want to write for Dow Jones and get paid loads of money, and I reckon I can do a better of it too....

"India Wheat Futures Soar 0.4% On Buying Frenzy"

(See, just insert the words Soar and Frenzy and already things are looking far more exciting. Follow that promising start up with....)

Indian wheat futures today soared 0.4% to their highest levels since yesterday's 0.2% decline on a wave of frenzied drug-fuelled panic buying.

(Right, now we've got the buyer interested let's reel him in....)

A gigantic, unprecedented tidal wave of interest, on a scale not witnessed since 1803 sent sellers scurrying for cover as investors speculated that the world is going to end tomorrow.

Female brokers ripped their trading jackets off screaming "take me, take me," their ample bosoms heaving, in a frenetic scene more reminiscent of Caligula The Movie, than the NCDEX trading floor.

"Are you familiar with the concept of the marmite sandwich?" one huskily breathless insider who refused to be named whispered provocatively in my ear.

My protestations fell on stoney ground as she pushed me to the trading floor, frantically ripping my trading jacket from my finely honed torso, whilst deftly reaching for the butter.....

That's what people want to read, sort yourselves out Dow Jones.