And They're Off For Britain's Sexiest Farmer

The Farmer's Weekly is running a Britain's Sexiest farmer competition.

"The sexy modern farmer is happy, caring, hardworking and honest," they inform us. That whittles it down to a very short short-list I'd have thought. Like looking for a compassionate banker, a macho hairdresser or a sincere estate agent.

Still, healthy heterosexual males like Nogger are pleased to note that in the interests of equality, five ladies are also in the running, so let me "mark your card" as the say in horsey circles:

Normally a solid and reliable jumper, Fiona pulled hard before unseated her rider at Kempton on Boxing Day. She lists making tea as one of her main attributes, I think they mean cups of the stuff rather than big fry-ups. They do however say that you know where you stand with Fiona. Stand? I should be sitting down at the table whilst she's popped to the chippie, next.

The front-running headstrong sort Emma who could be a difficult ride for an amateur, is "the Lara Croft of the modern farming generation" apparently, with "a glowing complexion and the toned figure of the physically fit". Hard ridden second last time out where jockey was fined for excessive use of the whip. She looks like she could jog into town to fetch me a kebab and a crate of lager without breaking sweat, no problem. Stays all day, so could be a bit "demanding" for me however, so let's move on.

Heavily backed favourite, Tori, took a keen hold before refusing at the last last time out. Had previously beaten the well regarded Marianne Fischer Boel in a group event on the continent (although in receipt of a lot of weight). Comes complete with that "just got out of bed" tousled long blonde hair look. Also has an award-winning tup, they say. She looks a bit like Mrs Nogger#1, except she's attractive and doesn't live in my old house with all my furniture. Mrs N#1 also won Tup of the Year three years running, as voted for by the lads at the local rugby club. Too spookily close to home, next.

Now we have Vicki, who refused to race last time out, so they're trying her with the blinkers off and a tongue strap today. She normally jumps for fun although has a nasty habit of coming second, “looks very sexy when she’s greasing the John Deere” they say. Vicki, lovely girl though I'm sure she is, unfortunately has a tad of a resemblance of the slightly deranged bunny boiling Mrs Nogger#2. Check under the bed for knives. Sorry Vicki, next.

And last, but certainly not least, well-bred Anna who likes to come from behind and loves it good/firm with a stiff uphill finish. Lost her chance the last time she was out by sweating up badly in the parade ring in a classy event at Pontefract on New Year's Eve, before subsequently spreading a plate and veering violently left and right. Worth another chance in this company. Anna conveniently lives near me in North Yorkshire and also enjoys a beating and getting stuck in! She gets my vote as she doesn't look like any of my ex wives, and the removal van won't have too far to travel when she moves in. I might as well save time and start packing what she agrees to let me have back of my own stuff into bin bags now.

The girls on the shortlist (I kid you not) all win a sexy pair of Dunlop boots. Resistant to chemicals and manure, with a tear-resistant upper. They'll come in handy I'm sure.

Fill your boots and vote now here.