The Election That Nobody Wants To Win

Is it just me, or does Nick Clegg suddenly seem to have changed markedly? Having gone into the first televised debate with the demeanour of "I know I'm not going to win, so I can talk a bloody good fight and make loads of promises that I know I won't have to keep". He now seems to have a "Oh my God, I'm getting deeper into this than I thought" sort of a look on his face.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he doesn't headbutt a Chelsea pensioner between now and next Thursday, or call the Queen a stupid befuddled old bag or something, just to get himself off the hook and back to what he feels is his rightful comfy third slot.

BOE governor Merv the Swerve may have got a few posteriors twitching by suggesting that once the election is out of the way, the austerity measures the winner will need to introduce will be so severe that the victorious party won't get re-elected for a generation.

Get Iain Dowie onto the job I say. He's got a track record with sinking ships I think you will find, and he's strangely likely to be "available" soon too methinks. He's got a head like a Rubik's cube or a Picasso painting hasn't he, three noses but all of them in the wrong place. One eye up the chimney, one eye in the pot, not dissimilar to our current PM some might say. I bet there's no end of trouble getting the kids off to sleep in the Dowie household every night.

"Come on kids, up the wooden hill or the Big Bogey Man will get yer. Do you want tucking in?"

"Nah, we'll take our chances with the Bogey Man thanks Daddy."