Epic Wheat Devastation As Russian Crop Obliterated Shocker

The headline writers are enjoying an enthusiastic "hand shandy" at the moment it seems. This morning I particularly like:

"The global wheat crop is encountering problems of Biblical proportions, driving wheat prices to 13-month highs on Thursday morning."

Not just Russia but also Ukraine and Kazakhstan are "currently experiencing the worst drought in 130 years," they tell us.

Throw in a touch of "severe drought" mixed with a smattering of "bullish calamities" and we are staring to have shades of 2007/08 all over again here.

Meanwhile "even the Australians haven't been able to meet production estimates, as their crop is being threatened by locusts and a dry winter," we are helpfully informed.

Elsewhere "Bread may get more expensive in Ukraine" and "Heatwave drives Russians to the verge of panic purchases" blimey, we better get down the shops sharpish. Even if they only have a couple of cheese and onion with sun dried tomatoes and kalamata olive ciabatta's left, I'm having 'em.

I've heard a rumour from my contacts on the inside that Costcutter are expecting a delivery of coconut and paprika naans around lunchtime, queues are already starting to form. Frank, my mate who works there is gonna put me a couple to one side for a nominal fee.

We've got a Warburton's thick sliced in the freezer, but we're saving that for a special occasion.