Nogger's Blog

20/11/10 -- I reckon if I put my mind to it I could probably copy what these scientists have done in China. They've developed a process that takes all the breast milk from every feeding mother in the country and converts it instead to provide enough energy to run an empty lorry for 96 miles. That, conveniently, is exactly the distance from Wilton to Saltend.

You might think that there isn't a lot of point running an empty lorry from Wilton to Saltend, but you are sadly missing a very important point here. That point is we could do it IF we wanted to do it, and we have to do something with all this energy we are creating don't we? So we use it up and create some more. It's re-usable energy, that's the business that we are in. And by the way it HAS to be an empty lorry, because if it was full it would slow it down wouldn't it? Christ, it's a good job I'm the brains behind this organisation. You just chuck your money in the pot and I'll sort the logistics out.

Oh, and by a lorry I mean a four wheeler, obviously development is only in the prototype stage at the moment. So the initial aim is divert milk away from hungry babies all over the country, and instead use it to generate enough energy to run an small empty lorry from Wilton to Saltend once a week. Don't worry about the babies, you don't think they like that stuff do you? They can't stand it, that's why they can't keep it down for more than five minutes before it's all down the back of your shirt.

With a few tweaks here and there, and a £200 million grant from the government, the ultimate aim would be to eventually provide enough energy to light a small bungalow, fire up a plasma TV AND boil a kettle as well (approximately 500 Mamawatts). And, get this, the surrounding environs smell of warm milk! Not like something the dog's just rolled in. As you are probably now starting to understand it's what the experts, like me, call a win-win situation, and one that gets better....

I mean, it'll probably end up costing about three squillion pounds a litre to produce the stuff and we can probably only sell it for 50p or something, but that's not the point either. We don't know how much it will cost, and we haven't bothered to work it out. At this stage it's what we experts call irrelevant.

The important things are that we're providing a service - the UK currently tips 5 million gallons regurgitated breast milk down the back of it's shirts every year. We are also, very important this one, (pause for fanfare or trumpets) we're saving the planet too. How? Well I'm glad you asked me that one, you're not quite a daft as you look. Unwanted breast milk is pretty uncomfortable stuff to carry around, it's also heavy, so dear old Mum is huffing and chuffing around with these enormously engorged breasts whilst little Chantelle is asleep in front of the telly (Mum has probably left Jeremy Kyle on by mistake when she popped out to make a cup of tea, or get herself a Bacardi Breezer if it's past breakfast time).

Now that's important energy there that Mum is using up, wasting if you like, she's probably so engorged by now that she's going to hand pump a couple of gallons of her unwanted breast milk right down the drain whilst young Chantelle is zedding it. More waste see. There you go poor old Mum is unwittingly wasting milk and energy like a leaky old bucket. Or in this case a couple of leaky old buckets.

So we are going to help Mum be a little less wasteful, plug the holes in her leaky buckets you might say, and simultaneously turn this into a huge earner for ourselves all at the same time. Neat eh? We will also be employing one or two people, that's very important when you want to get a grant that is. Also the government will give us nice big a subsidy to make up the price difference anyway, that's why the cost of producing this stuff is irrelevant remember? Everyone is onto a winner here.

Well, a few dry cleaners might go out of business as we won't need to get so many shirts cleaned, but frankly who cares about them? I know for a fact that they are all gay, just like hairdressers, so they will probably find employment in street theatre or something anyway.

There'd be other spin-off benefits too. Those things that lactating mothers shove down their bras, like folded up bits of super-absorbent kitchen roll they are, what do they call them? They look a bit like the face masks you where when you're knocking a wall down. Or if you're on a bus or a train in Beijing and you don't want to catch to swine flu. But without the elastic band bit at the back, obviously.

Hang on MrsN#3 will know....#3......#3.....(she's upstairs cleaning the bathroom again. I know, why DO they DO that? It'll only get mucky again, but hey, she seems to like it)......#3, what are those things that lactating mothers shove down their bras, like folded up bits of super-absorbent kitchen roll they are, what do they call them?

...breast pads, that's it, they kind of soak up any erm, unexpected seepage you might call it. If they catch a glimpse of David Tennant on TV say, and it's like "oh look there's David Tennant, bugger me milk's just come in" they're for that sort of thing I think. I mean I don't know for sure as I'm not a woman am I, but the point is they do use them, and then they just chuck them away. They don't bother washing them, or even giving them a quick rinse through, nothing, wasteful old Mum just chucks them away and pops another new pair in. Without a care in the world she is.

Well, this is where we step into the breach once again, when leaky old Mum arrives at the plant we can chuck all those pads into a giant skip and we can then sell them off to Drax for burning. That's better than them going for landfill and we get a nice little bundle on top. See, up here for thinkin, down there for dancin.

And think of the fun we could have designing a logo too. All I need now is for a large American private equity firm to hit the PayPal button and we're away. Boobodiesel, it's the future, I've tasted it.