Holiday Update - Brown Is The New Black
One Russian party consists of a well built, very tight Speedo-clad, heavily tattooed, completely head shaven bloke who I've immediately christened George Daweski due to his uncanny resemblance to the ex Shooting Stars star. He looks like he is probably a hit man or something and sports an enormous cross on a chain round his neck, as opposed to being a piano playing gay bloke in a baby grow. Mrs Daweski is clearly no stranger to the pie counter. Young Daweski Jnr is a right chip off the old block, even down to also having his head completely shaven despite being only about 10, which gives him a "have I got Lukemia or is this trendy where I come from" look. Then there's what I imagine was Mrs Daweski's sister, who clearly likes to accompany her sibling to the pie shop on a regular basis, along with what looked like Mrs Daweski's niece. She's about 16 and looks like jail bait in a bikini so small that even Posh & Becks would blush. No doubt she will be looking for a husband to buy her her very own pie shop as soon as possible. Let's hope George likes him, as it's not very easy to pick up your teeth with broken fingers is it?
Then we have the Chinese contingent. I keep thinking "surely they're not just gonna let these kids go on holiday on their own without an adult in charge?" before I realise that most of them are probably husband and wife despite only looking about 12.
We still see Posh & Becks every day, gliding past the pool, on parade. He appears to have soiled what appeared to be an endless supply of white see through kecks and switched to little mini skirt sized sarongs now. He's still wearing the thong though. I'd love to know if it's the same one or if he has different ones for each day. "Today's going to be a brown thing day, Victoria" I imagine he announces in Ainsley Harriot style.
We're not paranoid or anything, but we know that they're talking about us in the evening. Every time we look at them they're looking at us. Freaks. Either he's saying "Is that that famous Nogger the Blogger bloke." (Unlikely). Or "Look at that prick, he hasn't even brought any see through trousers with him." To which Posh replies "Yes dahling, and that common looking woman he's with still has her cheekbones in their original place. How totally unfashionable."
Then there's Ignorant Dad. He sits in the bar texting and smoking whilst his poor son hangs around willing him to go in the pool with him, or have a game of ball or something.
The Ukraine Fudge Packers are still here. We also now have Tattoo Boy (self explanatory), and Japanese Grandad (think Marlon Brando in the Godfather chasing his little grandson around in the vegetable patch, except this one hasn't got fangs made out of orange peel). Why I insist on giving them all nicknames I don't know. It's a northern thing I guess. It saves time. If I said to you "Dave's decided to have his knob pierced you know." You'd go "Dave who?" wouldn't you? And then I'd have to say, "You know Dave. Drinks beer. Sits at the bar, always got brown shoes on. Lives near Frank." And you're going "No, I don't know who you mean." But if I say "Nogger's decided to have his knob pierced you know," then you'd know immediately who I am talking about and we could move swiftly on to the next topic of conversation. "Really? I heard that Mullen has had his knob extended by two inches, they're all at it aren't they?" you might say for example.
The there's the ladies in their Burkha's and sunglasses. I don't know why but it seems very odd to me to don a pair of Ray Bans to cover up the only part of your body that people are allowed to see. Yesterday when they walked past I said to MrsN#3 "What happens if they want to go for a swim?" The answer came ten minutes later. They just get into the water, burkha and all. Obviously they take the Ray Bans off first, otherwise that'd look stupid. It's rather odd to see a lady in a burkha in a swimming pool because of her religious beliefs (I have to confess that I thought that someone had carelessly tossed a bin bag in there at first glance), alongside Becks with just his thong and double nipple piercings and Posh with her inflatable chest and cheekbones level with her eyebrows. It's a funny old world isn't it?
