Massage My Arse

10/08/13 -- MrsN#3 persuaded me to go for a his & hers massage yesterday. What a strange experience that was. My "bird" - I can't spell her name, but it was pronounced "Eye Ooh" was a lovely little Balinese girl of about 20.

It is very odd being told by a good looking 20 year old Balinese girl to take all your clothes off, especially with MrsN#3 in such close proximity.

She very demurely covered her eyes with a towel, a thing the size of a tea towel, as she asked me to hop "au naturel" onto the massage table, with me thinking "you're going to need a bigger towel than that darling" in my usual non-sexist way.

So ever happy to oblige, I'm up on the table, face down to start with, we might as well get the boring bits out of the way first I think, and off she goes young EyeOoh.

No sooner than you can say "Aye up EyeOoh" than she's folded the tea towel so that it now resembles a rolled up napkin, and places it (gently but firmly) between the old bum cheeks. I kid you not. There's me lying on a table with MrsN#3 about 4 feet way, similarly attired, with a 20 year old Balinese girl rubbing oil all over me. Bum cheeks and all.

Blimey I think,  if only the lads could see me now. Followed by wouldn't it be embarrassing if there was a "brown blemish" on that towel when she turns me over to do the other side.

I'd been warned before we went in not to fall asleep and start snoring. There was no need to worry about that, falling asleep was not on my agenda.

So, after about ten or fifteen minutes EyeOoh says "will you turn over now please sir", it would be rude not to wouldn't it EyeOoh I reply. Miss Bali swiftly unrolls the tea towel and places it lightly in the obvious place, then skips over to the nearby table (she's probably gone to refill the oil bucket I assume - but no) and comes back with a blindfold!

My first thought is blimey, I wonder if she's got some handcuffs in there as well, swiftly followed by what you mean I can't look at you whilst you're "doing it"?

I glance across at MrsN#3, can't I at least look at her having her top half massaged if I promise not to look at you EyeOoh I think. But no, she puts the blindfold on. Me that is, not her.

Seconds out, round two. Tea towel rolled up a la napkin style, with me thinking this could get interesting. What happens if I accidentally "tumble out" of said tea towel. Will she simply pick it up and pop it back in? A bit like finding an unwanted sausage roll on your plate at a finger buffet? You hide it under the napkin so as not to offend your host and make it look like you've eaten everything on the plate.

The massage we are having by the way is called something like Lobey Lobey. Except they've mis-spelled it on the "menu" and gone for (I am 100% serious here) Labia Labia. The "menu" says something like "to stimulate the body and heighten sexual desire" plus a bit of other stuff.

So, I'm thinking, come on then EyeOoh, get to work. At one point she puts her hand in yours and you think, here we go then, until she bends it back until it snaps that is. Nothing very sexually stimulating there is there?

Then she appears to have a go at pulling each of my toes off one by one. Very romantic.

Right, I've got to go now as MrsN#3 is giving me the hard word for being on the laptop all morning. I will tell you the rest later.....