They're Going Down To The Start....

Posted by Nogger - a legend in his own mind at 13:41 | Categorized as

20/01/14 -- The Farmers Weekly are running their usual "there's not much news in January, so lets go for the tits and six pack route" by launching their 2014 Britain's Sexiest Farmer competition.

You can view this year's runners and riders here: Warning: May contain nuts

I've cast my eagle eye over this year's entrants, having had a degree of success in picking the winner of this competition in the past, and mark your card accordingly:

Penny "ding dong" Bell. Normally a solid and reliable jumper, although a difficult ride for an amateur. Even all the cows in the background are staring at her arse. Got to be in with a shout. 5/2

Elliot "interesting" Prior. Clearly a no-hoper. 50/1

Chall "snoozy" Parsons. 100/1 rank outsider.

Harry "six pack" Stanbury. Looks good in the paddock, but frequently disappoints in the race itself. One for the girls. Doesn't look very intelligent though our 'Arry does he? 10/1

Daniel "OK ya" Ward. Well bred. Daddy's got 10,000 acres, and I jolly well kissed a girl once. Bally nice it was too. Phnarr. phnarr. 16/1

Bethany "baby-faced" Deadman. Shows promise, but could be a bit inexperienced up against this field. Each way claims. 8/1

Matt "has anyone seen my brain" Stubbings. A gelding in denial. 16/1

Mary "W" Ankers. Dark horse, dark pic. She may do OK if they run this race with the floodlights on. 10/1

David "normal" Anderson. Up against it here. 25/1

Anthony "I'm too sexy for my pants" Cape. Nice helmet Anthony. Likes to come from behind apparently. 12/1

Peter "Grandad" Keeble. Last run out was 24 years ago. Still carrying a lot of condition and could be outpaced here. 500/1

Alice. A bit like Adele she only seems to go by her first name. Unlike Adele she isn't a munter set to carry 6 stone overweight though. Strong claims. 7/2

Rachel "sweet cheeks" Churches. Took a keen hold going down, before refusing at the last last time out. Only ran twice, but could be a lively outsider. 12/1

Alice "the baps". Hang on a minute. This looks like the same Alice as the last Alice. There's suddenly been a flood of "smart" money on Alice who's apparently been "laid out" for this all season. 7/4 fav

Flo "the hat". I'm sure she scrubs up well. But so far unraced this season. 16/1

Henry "the duck" Aylesbury. Well, the dogs seem to like him. It's probably the smell. The housewives choice, so has to be respected. 7/1

Robyn "innocent" Hale. A front-running headstrong sort who unseated her rider last time out. Chances. 12/1

Ed "I'm the one on the right". Another one of three geldings in the race. 33/1

Burt "bat-her-ass". Only been out once, and that was to shop for sweets. First time over the bigger obstacles. Must improve. 22/1

Daniel "the birds" Hitchcock. Usually sweats up before hand. A steady plodder who won't trouble the judges. 25/1

Nogger's forecast: Alice might just have a little too much class for most of these, although Penny - who jumps for fun and finished very strongly last time out - will certainly give her a run for her money. I'll take Henry The Duck to fill the minor placings.