Ask Nogger
26/03/11 -- Today's problem comes from Eddie from Liverpool, he writes:Q: Dear Nogger, Although I'm only a fifteen year old schoolboy I'd like to get into the feed trade as it seems really cool and sexy, possibly working for one of the large American-owned multi-national shippers. Do you have any tips or advice to help me achieve my goal?
A: I get asked this one a lot Eddie, it's perfectly normal to find guys like me incredibly cool and sexy. There's lots of little things you can practice from the comfort of your own bedroom in preparation for a career working for a large American multi-national shipper. Firstly buy yourself the biggest, widest pair of braces you can find. Then, every time the telephone rings, talk VERY loudly in a phony American accent. The caller will soon believe that you are in fact American, and after about a fortnight so too will you.
Remember, this is VERY important, the more that the caller talks, the LOUDER and LOUDER you MUST talk over them, completely ignoring all that they are saying. You work for the big boys, NOBODY is going to push you around, you can do what the goddam hell you like soldier.
Stay up all night for three weeks watching Top Gun over and over again. If anyone asks you something you don't know the answer to, simply confuse them by saying something like "it's all due to the inverse basis at the stem and that, like." The person asking the question will then be too embarrassed to admit that, despite twenty years in the grain business, they haven't got a clue what you are talking about. They will simply accept that you are far more intelligent than they are and go away.
You can get yourself a little desk, a swivel chair and maybe a little USB-powered machine gun. Every time that goddam phone rings scream your little heart out, whilst swivelling round and round spraying imaginary bullets indiscriminately all around the room. People get killed every day boy, you just gotta make sure it's not you in the body bag. Then slam that phone down, and I mean SLAM, you're the guy calling the shots not these snivelling little worms ringing you up in the middle of the afternoon. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?
Play Call Of Duty on your xBox for a MINIMUM of six hours a night. You're the man, you're in the zone, you need lightening reactions soldier, you need eyes in the back of your head in this job. Them killer zombies are everywhere. If your Mum brings you a cup of tea that's a bit too strong pick up that stapler and WHAM! In one swift movement staple her hand to the desk. That may sound harsh, but she won't make the same mistake again will she? It's part of her training. YOU are the man keeping this entire ship afloat, and the buck stops at your bony butt baby, ain't no pretty lady with her painted nails and a wiggly ass gonna mess this one up. You're waging a one man war. You're the only guy on the planet that can do this job. You are the chosen one. You have special powers. Your Dad's not really your Dad, and you Mum's not really your Mum. You have become........STAPLER BOY!