25/10/10 -- A dark grey cloud of mourning hangs over Nogger HQ this today following the sudden demise of Stanley the guinea pig overnight. Stanley leaves behind a sad widow, Muffin, but strangely no dependant children.

You see only now can I reveal the shameful truth regarding Stanley's sad six year existence, for Stanley was not a he, he was a she. They don't advise you to get a male and female at the pet shop unless you want the inevitable to happen. Kids, divorce, Stanley has to move out to a smaller terraced hutch on the wrong side of the garden, that sort of thing.

But MrsN#3, being in possession of a then five year old boy and seven year old girl, was under strict instructions that the youngest wanted a boy guinea pig. So an elaborate ruse involving the purchase of two females and calling one of them Stanley was concocted, and for my shameful part in the whole sorry episode I stood by and said nothing. I'm expecting a visit from the police at any moment, and quite possibly the News of the World too.

RIP Stanley, the transexual cross-dressing guinea pig, forced to live a lie for all these years.

Stanley will be buried in an Adidas shoebox (a Predator shoebox mind, no expense spared) in a simple but moving ceremony at the bottom of the garden sometime later this evening. PLEASE SEND NO FLOWERS, he/she specifically requested no floral tributes. His/her dying wish was that those many kind folk out there that knew and loved him/her for what he/she was, could show their last respects by hitting the donate button at the foot of this blog. Go on, it's what he/she wanted.