Ask Nogger

04/04/11 -- Today's problem comes from Phil G of Ely, Phil writes:

Q: Dear Uncle Nogger, I have been reading your column with interest, and hope your vast experience and intuition may be able to help me. There is a large trade dinner this week in Cambridge which I very much look forward to, but history suggests my inadequate capacity for beer is likely to cause embarrassment. Furthermore, not only do I tend to fall over after two or three pints, but I’m also blessed with a tiny tank which, once full, needs emptying every ten minutes or so. How can I improve my staying power and be more like my peers?

A: I think you might have "come to the wrong shop" with this one Phil. I find that Tena Man are a God-send on these occasions, with the added bonus that if you use enough of them you also immediately adopt the appearance of Linford Christie in a dinner suit. This is especially useful in these modern times where females appear to have infiltrated the previously all-male bastion that is the grain trade. They're only in it for one reason Phil, and that is to meet incontinent two shandies and I'm anybody's Adonis-like guys like us. A hosepipe and a couple of large pedal bin liners also make an excellent temporary catheter whilst the speeches are on, according to my North Yorks medical correspondent - Potatofarmermike of Scarborough.