Ask Nogger

Posted by Nogger - a legend in his own mind at 16:13 | Categorized as

16/04/11 -- Today's problem comes from Pete of Stamford, he writes:

Q: Dear Nogger, I'm 42 and straight as a die but I've never come close to getting married, I long to be like all the other lads like you, what can I do?

A: Matrimony is one of my many specialist subjects Pete, so you've certainly come to the right shop with this one. There's a few little things you can do to get yourself "in the zone" as it were. Try switching the FA Cup Final over to Corrie just as the game enters extra-time, or hang around outside the changing rooms in Monsoon looking at your watch and shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot for a couple of hours. Drag yourself all round the shops aimlessly every Saturday before throwing fifty pound notes down the grid. Stretch yourself to the limit by buying a lovely big house, give it to somebody you don't like and then put all you clothes in bin bags outside in the rain. Next...