The Morning Rant

09/11/11 -- Lorry drivers, you'd have thought that they might have learnt to be a bit more cautious after the weekend's terrible events wouldn't you, but many of them on the M42/M1/A1 yesterday were continuing to drive like drunken sailors.

You know that you are getting old when you don't like driving on motorways anymore surrounded by these reckless mass murderers. Whenever the police finally arrest someone for mass murder they're always lorry drivers aren't they? "Police say that (insert name of mass murderer here) was able to evade capture by living off bacon butties in lay-by on the A59 near Skipton for seventeen weeks."

I think I'll go by train next time, not with Branson's lot obviously. Having already ruled out British Unfairways as my preferred mode of transport it occurs to me that I'm starting to run out of options. Despite being an island nation getting around by boat isn't that easy these days is it?

Talking of driving, one of the speakers at Monday's conference was talking about the importance of putting the right feed into a chicken to get the right performance out of it. To illustrate his point he said "I mean, you wouldn't put petrol into a diesel car would you?"

As I pointed out to him, he clearly hadn't met MrsN#1 yet. Which is like saying "you wouldn't drive all round Devon for weeks with the dashboard flashing up warning lights like Blackpool illuminations and doing nothing whatsoever about it until the engine explodes would you?"

Or if you did "you wouldn't then say well there were always lights coming on I don't know what they mean do I?" to justify your actions.

Or "you wouldn't crush your husband's legs up against a crash barrier in a car park whilst he was trying to help you reverse into a space, ignoring his pleas to STOP! STOP! rendering him unable to move, would you?"

Or "I mean, nobody would crash their car into a bus in broad daylight whilst driving in a clearly marked bus lane that they shouldn't be in and then blame it on the bus driver, would they?"

Ah....happy days....