Defra To Launch Find The Wheat Competition?
13/01/11 -- Defra, which is an acronym for inept, have had a good rummage down the back of their old settee and managed to scrape together an extra 45,000 MT of wheat from last year's UK crop.
They now peg UK production for 2010 fractionally higher at 14.88 MMT, 3% up on 2009. For reasons that are unclear to all but them they peg UK exports for the whole 2010/11 marketing year (July/June) at only 1.33 MMT. Surely they must know that we've already exported more than that already?
Carryover at the end of the current season was left unchanged at 2 MMT. If ever there was a case of think of the number you want to end with and work backwards then this is surely it.
I'd like to know where they think that 2 MMT is going to be at the end of June. Maybe they are planning on running a competition? Providing us with a series of clues to run round the country in our 4x4's trying to locate it. "I'm not in a store, I'm not in a shed, I'm not in a silo, but I am in my head. Where am I?" that sort of thing.
I think that's a great idea, they could bring out a Nintendo Wii version and call it the Big Grain Academy. With Jamie Redknapp sitting in his lounge trying to find it, without realising that it's down the back of the very settee that he's sat on.
That Louise is useless when it comes to putting the hoover round I reckon, and it's just kind of built up over the past couple of years.
Defra Loses More Stuff
Laptops, mobile phones, desks, plasma tellies. These people are the kings and queens of misplacement. This time they've gone and lost 295,000 MT of wheat from the 2009/10 crop, which they now say was just under 14.1 MMT, not the 14.4 MMT that they'd previously told us.
They're only a year late with that bit of information, thanks. Wheat exports in July meanwhile were more than 250,000 MT, the highest for the month since current records began, they say.
Defra Gets Budget Cut From Chancellor
New Chancellor George Osborne has announced that Defra will cop for a mere GBP162 million in cuts to it's budget, out of the proposed GBP6.2 billion the coalition government is attempting to save.
That's the gold monogrammed propelling pencils order cancelled then. But at least they're free to press ahead with the "Hilary Benn Is Not A Real Woman" promotional t shirts.
Defra Mugs
I'm indebted to my old chum Nigel Joice for emailing me to inform me of just some of the ways Defra has chosen to waste money during 2009. Five hundred quid on t-shirts I suppose isn't a huge amount, although three grand on promotional pens might be a tad OTT. They've also blown a similar amount on mugs, topped off with over six grand on travel wallets.
Travel wallets? Well, at least that's a saving on the thirteen grand they spent on them in 2006.
All I can say is that that particular salesman must have had a nice little earner out of that lot.
"Your brother is in reception looking for a signature for those 175,000 pencils that you ordered, Mr Benn."
If ever a government department typified where public spending could be slashed without it making one noticeable jot of difference to the quality of life for your average Joe on the street then this is surely it.
This is the shower of muppets remember who shelled out GBP180,000 revamping their website because the old one was "too brown" - a colour that they said was "too associated with farming"!
Who can forget the plasma telly's, laptops, and mobile phones that went missing? That lot read like a stock take at Curry's. Or the GBP350,000 on taxi's?
Even that pales into insignificance compared to the more than GBP1m was spent on removal contracts over three years, or the thick end of GBP5 million blown on empty office space every year.
They can easily top that lot though with the GBP26 million expended on recently failed IT projects.
I wonder if they'd be interested in any Defra monogrammed dog turds? They are mostly available in brown I grant you (you simply don't see the white stuff any more do you?), but I reckon with a few tweaks to Nogger's dog's diet we could possible come up with a range of subtle pastel shades to suit most tastes.
Defra Report UK Winter Wheat Area Up 11.4 Percent
Defra say that UK farmers planted 1.9 million hectares of winter wheat for the 2010 harvest, an increase of 11.4% on last season.
Winter barley plantings were down 3.3% (is that all?) to 410,000 hectares, whilst rapeseed plantings are seen 9.8% higher at 628,000 hectares, they say.
If UK wheat production were to increase by 11.4% then we'd be looking at a crop of around 17 MMT this year, potentially the second highest output on record.
Of course it's not quite as straightforward as that. If the Rank Hovis advertising campaign is correct, and one in eight British fields is growing wheat on contract for them this year, then that means that 1/8th of the UK crop will only be yielding half of what it would normally produce.
And aren't Warburtons, the second biggest grocery brand in the country after Coca-Cola, also supposed to be launching an all British loaf later this year? Presumably that will also be made from similar low-yielding wheat?
Also, keen not to be left behind, I read recently that Sainsbury's said that they are "on course" to also switch to using flour made from 100% British wheat across it's entire in-store baked range.
Defra: Words Fail Me
The Telegraph reveals today that our lovable chumps Defra have blown GBP180,000 on a new website after deciding that the previous brown colour scheme "was too agricultural"!
I don't know what is the most shocking. That they don't want to be seen as being too agricultural, or that they spent 180k on a website. They must have seen you coming Defra, that's all I can say.
Defra Issue UK Planting Figures
Having put some numbers on English crop areas last week, Defra said today that the UK wheat planted area for the 2009 harvest was a smidgen under 1.8 million hectares, that's a 14% drop on last year.
Oilseed rape plantings were also lower overall at 571,700 ha. Conversely the UK barley area was up 12% to 1.16 million ha.
Defra don't give us any yields to go on unfortunately. ADAS recently said that they expected yields to be "close to the UK five year average of 7.9 MT/ha". The NFU last week said that they peg the English wheat yield at below the five year average of 7.8 MT/ha.
That would appear to leave us with a UK wheat crop of around 14 MMT this year, possibly a little less, circa 3.5 MMT down on 2008.
Barley yields have varied quite widely across the country, a best guess for an average overall yield is probably around 5.75 Mt/ha, implying a final production of 6.67 MMT, up around half a million tonnes on last year.
Rapeseed yields have also been highly variable, with some winter varieties producing 5 MT/ha plus, and other falling down as low as 2 MT/ha according to ADAS. Spring varieties averaged around 2.5-2.8 MT/ha, they say.
If we use an average guess of 3.5 MT/ha that gives us a crop of around 2 MMT, very similar to last season.
DEFRA: GB Feed Production Down In January
Latest figures from my mates at DEFRA reveal that in January 2009 the total GB retail production of animal feed was down 3.2% compared with January 2008.
Cheers DEFRA, lost anything good this week? Laptops, mobiles, crates of vintage Chateauneuf du pape.
GB Animal Feed Statistical Notice
The latest national statistics on Great Britain's output of animal feed for the months of July, August and September 2008 have been published by Defra.
The highlights of the latest report are as follows:
- In September 2008, the total Great Britain (GB) retail production of animal feed was down 1.2% compared with September 2007
- In September 2008 the total GB raw material usage in the retail production of animal feed was down 1.3% compared with the same month a year earlier
- In September 2008, the total GB integrated feed production was up 2.7% compared with September 2007.
- For the period April to June 2008, quarterly average prices of animal feedingstuffs were the following (per tonne):
Cattle and calf feed - £192
Pig feed - £218
Poultry feed - £235
Sheep feed - £184 - Feed volumes produced in Great Britain during September 2008 (compared to September 2007) were as follows:
Cattle and calf feed production down 0.1%
Compounds for dairy cows down 0.4%
Pig feed down 11.4%
Poultry feed up 2.8%
Sheep feed up 1.2%. - Comparing raw material usage in animal feeds in September 2008 compared to September 2007:
Wheat usage is down 2.7%
Barley usage is up 20.3%
Total volume of raw materials used in feeds is down 1.3%.
DEFRA: Deny Everything Forlornly Reel Along
What's DEFRA and Adrain Chiles got in common?
Adrain Chiles new book is called "We don't know what we're doing." Amazon
I imagine that working in DEFRA's offices is a bit like that.
Just after it comes to light that the two head honchos have just one farm between them in their constituencies, it has now been revealed that they have wasted more than £26m on failed IT projects in the past five years, according to the Farmers' Weekly.
More than £12m of it was blown on an abandoned program to produce a database of all the department's electronic information, while an initiative to manage licences for protected animals was scrapped after £4m was spent.
That might sound like a lot to you and me, but it's still relatively small beer to this inept bunch of clipboard-wielding nancy boys. They also still face EU fines of about £300m for the mistakes made by their Rural Payments Agency in January this year.
Makes the £350,000 on taxis story pale into insignificance now doesn't it?
Defra Deny That They Are A Gang Of Muppets Who Haven't Got A Clue
Defra have refuted claims that they are a gang of muppets who haven't got a clue about agriculture.
Vegetarian Hilary Benn, it has been revealed, has just one farm in his entire constituency and Food and Farming Minister, Jane Kennedy has none!
New Food and Farming Minister, Jane Kennedy, has been in her job for 27 days. A phone call to Ms Kennedy's constituency office to ask how many farms were in Liverpool Wavertree, was answered: “None that I know of and I very much doubt there are any but you never know, there may be a few cows wandering around the place.”
“I am keen to listen to representatives of the industry and mitigate their problems. I am too soon into my brief to say I know clearly what needs to be done but I am beginning to understand the pressures,” said Ms Kennedy,
Case proven M'Lord.
DEFRA Under Fire Again
Responding to a question from Conservative MP, Mark Prisk, Defra minister Huw Irranca-Davies admitted nearly £350,000 had been spent on taxi journeys by the department last year.
Shadow Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Peter Ainsworth said: “It is appalling that Defra is happy to fritter away increasing amounts on taxis while cutting important budgets on animal health, litter reduction and wildlife conservation.
“When it comes to saving money Ministers should cut back on a few of the luxuries they enjoy before wielding the axe on projects that really matter.”
Given the department's tendency to lose things its a surprise that a few of those receipts didn't go astray as well. Or maybe they did and the actual bill was more like half a million?
DEFRA Awards GBP4.3M To Company That Discovers Wood Growing On Trees
An east of England business, The Woodfuel East project, has been given a £4.3 million pound grant after making the startling discovery that trees and branches can be burnt for fuel.
If everything goes according to plan, and directors haven't blown it all on fast cars & women by then, the project aims to supply the equivalent of 12,500 homes with energy by 2013.
That's enough to keep just half of the population of the Beacontree Housing Estate warm in their beds at night, so I'm sure you'll agree that's money well spent.
The project will create "about 80" jobs, whoopey-do. Why didn't they just give eighty people fifty grand each to stay at home, thereby reducing their carbon footprint even more?
Link if you can be bothered
Shock News From DEFRA
They've had a quick look round the office and are happy to confirm that they haven't lost anything else yet today.
"It's usually after lunch, once people have had a few beers, that stuff starts to go AWOL," said DEFRA spokesman Mr A Tealeaf.
"Laptops, 42" Plasma TV's, antique Victorian desks, 21,000 cows are all easily misplaced once you've had a few sherbets."
A DEFRA spokesman on his way home last night
Has DEFRA Lost The Plot?
They've lost pretty much everything else by the sound of it. Following on from yesterdays revelations of nearly 21,000 cows going missing, here is the full list of items lost and stolen from DEFRA in the last ten years:
• 20,979 cows
• 122 laptops
• 36 processors
• 23 PDAs
• 15 projectors
• 14 mobile phones
• 13 PCs
• 12 rolls of gaffer tape
• 6 monitors
• 5 digital cameras
• 4 printers
• 4 power adaptors
• 3 docking stations
• 3 PSION (digital organisers)
• 3 software packages
• 2 answering machines
• 2 sat navs
• 2 VCR machines
• 1 telephone
• 1 fax machine
• 1 Camcorder and accessories
• 1 set of laboratory equipment
• 1 toaster and electric fans
• 1 dictaphone
• 1 charger
• 1 set of field equipment
• 1 keyboard
• Various car parts from official DEFRA vehicle
• 1 42 inch plasma screen TV
• Desk top Microphones
• 1 Victorian desk
• 1 modem
• 1 Memory box
So if you see any cows with laptops sat behind a victorian desk watching a 42" plasma TV, give them a call on: 08459 33 55 77.
What's 21,000 Cows, Government Laptops And Prison Officers Addresses Got In Common?
They've all gone missing, that's what.
Officials at the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) admitted in Parliamentary questions that 20,979 British animals had been mislaid.
According to The Telegraph, the livestock should have been logged on Defra's Cattle Tracing System, devised to protect public and animal health after the BSE and foot and mouth epidemics.
However the cattle have disappeared from the system, while another 1039 are believed to have been loaded onto cattle trucks and never heard of again, according to the another newspaper.
Jonathan Shaw, Defra minister, was forced to admit the embarrassing blunder in response to a Parliamentary question, reports The Telegraph.
Feed contamination investigation completed - Defra
Defra says it has completed its investigation into an incident in which routine official sampling of a consignment of wheat feed revealed low-level contamination with material of animal origin, and that temporary movement restrictions imposed on cattle and sheep that may have eaten the relevant feed have now been lifted.
Full news release on Defra's website: here
GAFTA reporting feed contamination in Tilbury
GAFTA are reporting that they have been advised by the Food Standards Agency that material of animal origin was found in wheatfeed intended for ruminant rations in stores at Tilbury Docks. The potential contamination was discovered following routine sampling undertaken as part of DEFRA’s National Feed Audit, they say.
The analysis gave positive results for the presence of muscle fibre, terrestrial animal bone and fish bone. The FSA stated that it appears the wheatfeed was distributed to a number of merchants and feed mills throughout England after the samples were taken but before the analysis results were available.
So that will be all right then, if DEFRA are on the case. Oh hang on, weren't they responsible for the last foot & mouth outbreak?
I just looked up DEFRA in the dictionary, here's what it said:
Limp-wristed "it wasn't me" leftist clipboard-wielding nancy-boys that are all too ready to roll over and offer their bottoms to the establishment.
Well it did in my dictionary anyway
